"So you've never had a boyfriend since you and your ex separated?" Nope. "Never dated either?" Nope. "So, you don't get laid? At all?" Hokay then. Bluntness is a word you don't seem to care much about do you? "Maybe you're a bit too picky?" "Why did you and you're husband separate anyway?"
I couldn't quite explain why the resistance to expound on this particular and awkward topic. I mean, just like me, she's a mother and separated from her kids' father. Surely she'll understand. But how do I tell this person that I lost interest? That the sparks died out? That my relationship didn't only lack in trust, respect, and love but in passion as well. How could I simply blurt that I'm looking for more than just one, solitary, isolated spark. That I wanted an all-consuming desire (hope that didn't sound too sexual, it's not meant to). That I need someone whom I won't only like & be attracted to (extremely that is) but will admire and respect for the man he is. Someone with a great sense of responsibility, a good head on his shoulders, confident but not cocky, someone who can manage to be fun and dangerous and make me feel safe all at the same time, someone who can be serious yet have a great sense of humor, and most importantly someone who'll put up with all my quirks and occasional temperaments.
So yeah, maybe I am way too picky. Perhaps I am asking for the impossible. But I'm only 25. Surely I have more than enough time to spare right? If I so intend to wait for Mr. Right (if such a thing ever exist).
One of my employee suggested that perhaps some psychological assistance would be good for me. Now I don't know whether or not the suggestion was heartily serious nor do I now how and why the suggestion came up in the first place. Dang! Does this kid think I'm some kind of demented psycho who's got major issues in life? Not that it's an impossibility, but still, I'm kind of offended. =(
Those who have been there all my life think I'm some sluggish, uninspired, screw-up who's incapable of doing anything right except for formulating the perfect excuses to justify her blunders in life. Those who think they know me, have somehow come up with a decision that I'm...uhm...well, to bluntly put it, an insensitive, snobbish, cold-hearted little biatch. And now this kid think I'm a coo coo head? Well, that's fine, everyone's entitled to their opinion. Yet, I can't help but wonder how my life turned into nothing but a continuous nightmare haunted by the people around me with their silly expectations, complete distrust and intense dislike towards my choices in life.
What is it about me that attract these people so? Was it my luminescent vulnerability? The appearance I gave of being incapable of taking care of myself? My contradicting personality? Or was it my almost palpable need for someone's attention? Nah, I didn't ask nor did I want those attention. What kind of person in her right mind would want a constant reminder of how her life woul've been, could've been, should've been.
By the way, what does "you're a sour, cynical, selfish and an ungrateful person" exactly mean. If you feel that you've gained the right to constantly judge and nag me just because you know my name, my favorite color or whether or not I floss every night, you're sadly mistaken. And if you think you've come up with the perfect analyzation as to why I am the way I am, please, be a sweetheart and do me a favor will yah, keep it to yourself.
Bleh! That's enough drama for now. My bitchiness is starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Moving on...
Would you consider a 5 foot 11 inches, 185 lbs. (give or take a few) of hard muscle, with thick dark hair, piercing brown eyes, silky olive skin, downright sexy glasses, confident, mysterious, intelligent who resembles Dean Cain sexy? Yes! You better, if not, I'd say, you're the one who's in need of psychiatric help. Anyway, this guy, let's call him Dean for now, is not a pretty boy. He would never ever be considered pretty...let alone boy. But he was good looking. More than good looking. Dean is, in the opinion of many (including me) God's gift to heterosexual women everywhere. Even more astonishingly, he doesn't appear to know it.
Anyhoo, more than a month ago, Dean mentioned something about hanging out, perhaps having a drink or grabbing a bite. A month and a half later and at least 20 short chit chats, this so called date hasn't yet happened. Why? Beats me. He got my number yet I've received not even one phone call. Up to this day, I can't seem to find an explanation to his conflicting behavior. He talks as if he's interested, he looks at me with a hint of admiration yet he's done nothing. Could it be that I'm not interesting enough? Or maybe, just maybe he's a queer and hasn't yet come out of the closet? Hope it's the latter otherwise that would be a huge blow to my ego.
Damn! Is it possible at all, that my life, which has not started auspiciously, could get any worse? I am extremely and helplessly attracted to a faggot!!! What can be worse than that?!
Had an interesting dream last night. I was back in 6th grade as the naive, thoughtless and carefree loser that I was. Oh, how I loved life back then. Well, I still do but it was different then. A teenager can do anything he/she pleases whenever he/she she wants to and still get away with it. It's as if they're given this humongous list of excuses (not smart ones but excuses nonetheless) to justify their ignorance and carelessness. but now, well...it's different. If a person desires respect and admiration from others, cautiousness and consciousness towards oneself must be implemented.
Anyhoo, in my dream, a friend gave me a slambook to sign. The funny part was that the questions varied from "Do you think Elvis is still alive?" to "What's the Cucina and Company's (that's where i work) chicken teriyaki recipe?" Hokay, talk about some fucked up dream. So yes, all the questions were totally out of the ordinary except for the very last one, "define love." Oh yes, I knew that was coming, the famous, inescapable slambook question. So after reading the last question, I went berserk. In one split second, I changed from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. With fury flowing through my veins, I went to this supposedly good friend of mine who gave me the slambook and punched her in the face, pointblank!
So, what does this mean? Could it be that my dream is trying to tell me something? I dunno, I won't waste my time anylizing this freakin dream. But I do know one thing, if this dream is at all trying to imply my lack of trust in the love department, then I'd say it's not far from the truth.
I just find it easier to believe that people who learned to stop striving for the impossible at least find contentment. The rest-- people who keep thinking that love is this grand prize that will solve all their problems -- are destined to suffer from one disillusionment after another. Do I think that love doesn't exist? No. It exists alright, in all it's varied form. Two people can love the hell out of each other, but it solves nothing for either one of them. Love and commitment give them more freedom to hurt each other. Then again that's just my opinion. Don't like it? Sue me.
As much as I can, I try not to write too much about my personal life. I know, it's a blog and feeling hesitant to write honestly and freely defeats the purpose of it. But apparently, I've friends reading this blog. I just don't feel comfortable knowing that they know what's going on in my life. But now I'm arguing with myself whether or not to write the truth. Well, I think I will...here goes nothing. Let's just say, once you lose trust, you lose respect and the love follows.
my fist blog of 2003. gosh, where to start? i've too much to say but not quite sure where to start. after 2 1/2 months of not having a chance to blog my 2 1/2 months of stressful, if not horribly traumatic experience at work, thanks to my unreasonably stubborn employees with their incredibly and unbelievably slothful, arrogant, pompous, sorry asses!. God forgive me for such a blunt yet absolutely accurate remark.
needless to explain any further, for obvious reasons of course, yes! work is quite a challenge. it's physically and mentally exhausting (i mean that without a hint of exaggeration). and only a fool like me would still stick around and love every aspect of it. maybe i truly am a masochist? yuck!
it's winter break! students are on break and so am i!!!! i'm on break (as a mom that is) so a big "YAY" for me! mom and my aunt took my cousins and my lil stinker to south carolina. so last saturday tristan and i went out and had dinner at this supposed to be great malaysian restaurant. i was quite excited at first, mainly because i've been craving for roti canai since last year, that and i was starving to death--and if my stomach's constant ramblings as if it's suffering from ADD isn't enough of a clue, i don't know what is. but my being opinionated and tristan's great social skills (i meant that sarcastically) ruined the entire date. i was way too talktative and he was well...the entire opposite. gosh, we've only been married for 2 years and already, we're boring each other. that blows!
i wasn't giving up, not until i get something good that night. good laugh, good drink, good smoke, basta kahit ano, basta good oks na. so, we decided to shoot some pool. 6 rounds later, i was falling asleep. that's got to be the most boring game i've ever played. what the hell's going on with me? did i somehow turned into tristan? have i somehow developed some behavior deviating sharply from the social norm? had i actually turned antisocial?!!! homayghad, that's awful!
but still i'm not a quitter. we left the pool hall and went straight to the movie theater. we saw "how to lose a guy in 10 days" which i thought was pretty hilarious. it was sooo funny i almost peed my pants...or maybe i actually did. eewww! i know too much info. so i thought, finally, i'm experiencing something good, a good laugh. i genuinely was having a good time until this guy on my right started snoring. oh heeeyylll no! no one's going to ruin my night, not even you mr. sleepyhead. and please spare me the shallow excuses 'cuz i sure don't want to hear it. is it exhaustion from work or sleep deprivation due to your pathetic excuse of incurable addiction to this supposed to be incredibly cool game called counterstrike? puuhhleeazze!
oh...did i mention the jerk on my right was tristan? if anyone has any question on how to screw up a date in 2 seconds, he's definitely the right person to ask.
As much as I'd like to blog as often as I want, as often as I used to, I'm saddened to say that with my new job, I'm no longer sure if I can. I've always known that picking a career in the food service industry requires a lot of determination, dedication and hard work but nothing prepared me for what I've experienced today. Hospitality/food service industry is probably the most demanding business there is. It requires a great deal of effort, tremendously long hours and most especially, something I'm still lacking of "enormous patience."
I was on my feet for ten hours today. I didn't take lunch until 5 in the afternoon, I was too excited to eat. With the holidays, my schedule will be 10 hours a day, 6 days a week. That's right folks, a total of 60 hours a week!! Oh and did I mention, being the scatterbrain that I am, I totally wore the wrong shoes...a pair of boots with 2 1/2 inches heels to be exact! Now that's what I call major stupidity! Not only are my feet hurting like a bitch but I've blisters all over 'em to remind me of such unendurable pain.
I've to go now, it's 10:30 and I haven't eaten dinner yet. Still too excited to eat. Although exhausted beyond my imagination, I had such a great time at work. Not that I'm a masochist. The exhaustion, major back pain and unbearably aching feet...those I'm definitely not crazy about. It's the amount of responsibility, the challenge of performing multiple tasks, the need for creativity...those I love!
Well, tomorrow's another day, more things to learn, more blunders to make...wish me luck! Tata!
I'm baaaccckk!! Gosh, it's been awhile huh? I've been tremendously busy tying up a few lose ends at work. I miss blogging! I miss reading those fascinating blogs, with its interesting, sometimes intriguing, other times touching stories. But now that I'm a bum (just like bunny) until Sunday, think I can squeeze in some time to share what I've been up to lately. So here it goes....
THANKSGIVING DAY I cooked the thanksgiving dinner for the very first time! Prepared and cooked everything from turkey, to side dishes, even dessert. At first, I felt nothing but excitement and optimism. I was hopeful that every dish will be made to perfection. I even calculated the time when to start roasting the turkey so it'll be done just in time for dinner. But my parents, being the skeptical that they are, had to say such uncalled-for comments which shouldn't have surprised me but it did and I was left feeling disappointed.
It's frustrating how they treat me sometimes. And the fact that they lack in the understanding and encouragement department is absolutely upsetting. I mean, true, I can be difficult at times, stubborn, mulish, whatever you wanna call it. But need they treat me like a child? I know I'm their only child but I'm no longer their baby.
Why do they always undermine my abilities? Is it so difficult to accept the possibility that I might be able to do something right every now and then? And why is that if and when I did do something right, something I can be proud of, things like "How? Why? Quick honey, get the kids to the minivan for the world is without a doubt coming to an end!!" would come flying out of people's mouth!!!
Sheesh! Give me a break people! I know I'm pretty but I'm not dumb! (makapal lang mukha :p)
Oh and everything did come out perfectly! The turkey was cooked nicely. Tender, juicy, flavorful golden brown turkey. And my penne ala vodka was to die for. My gravy? a taste of heaven! And what did my parents have to say about the success? "NOT BAD!" Urggh! What's the point, they'll never change.
Sometime last week Had a massive blowout with my Dad.
Sometime this week Had a massive blowout with my Mom. I am so misunderstood. I feel like a teenager again. Feel sorry for me people. Pleeeaasseee?
Monday Went to see a new doctor for a second opinion. Good news: It's benign! I'm not dying after all! Bad news: I've to go under the knife. (great! i'm so not looking forward to that). Doctor said there's no need for alarm. The surgery can be done whenever's convenient for me and the procedure only takes 15 minutes (is that suppose to make me feel better? well, i hate to break this to you buddy but IT DOESN'T!!!).
With my new job and with the holidays, my schedule will definitely be hectic so I said we'll do the surgery sometime in January. So that will give me what, 30 days or so of sleepless nights. I can handle that...but why is my heart beating so fast? Dang it!
Yesterday Picked up the "Lilo & Stitch" DVD I pre-ordered. Can I just say, I luv, luv luv this movie! I think Stitch is just adorable!
Josh is so likot and kulit na talaga. He's so restless. He destroys anything and everything he can get his hands on. This week's victim - my kikay kit. And I wouldn't have known it if it wasn't for his blackened teeth, thanks to my eyeliner. Hay naku, the things I've to go through. Hey do you think Stitch and Josh are long lost twins? Hmmm....
Today's my last day at work. Although I leave with some trepidation, I'm greatful and excited about this career move. Not only am I able to grow professionally but financially as well.
I've so much to share but unfortunately I'm waaay too busy. I still have a lot to pack and I better hurry, tonight's the Rockefeller tree lighting. I bet it's already crazy and crowded out there.
